Before and After

I definitely can say that I have struggled to define how I was “before” and “after” the events of 9/11. The changes have been subtle. Easily missed by those not seeking to know. I am fanatical about news. I still wake up everyday wondering if today I will check the news and see another horrific day. This is not motivated by fear.    I did not avoid the city I have loved all my life for four years out of fear. I am not more afraid of terrorist now than I was before 9/11. I was not scared on 9/11. 

I was angry. I was angry for a long time. Five years later, this anger surfaces readily, almost daily, despite my attempts to put it away, to soothe it, to ignore it.

Avoiding the city was a way for me to avoid having to change the skyline of my heart. The images of my youth burned into my memory as I stared in wonder at the Manhatten skyline. The twinkling lights capturing my imagination in a way adult eyes can only wistfully admire. The new skyline has no distictive features. It is foreign to me. I cannot recognize it. My memories soon became an asylum of haunting thoughts instead of a soothing place to go.

I thought going back to NYC would help me to put this behind me. That somehow if I saw the new skyline life-size and up close I would see the city was not destroyed, merely transformed. In some ways this worked. The city is still a magical place for me. The sheer amount of talent on display at all times in a city that never sleeps. The constant barrage of entertainment and various ethnic cuisine available at all hours is enough to give energy to a creativity and distinction that is not encouraged in less populated areas of America. Just to survive in the big apple you must be great. Great at something, even if it is a small thing.

But the city is scarred. There is no denying it. The remnants of tragedy are everywhere. Reminders to watch for packages left behind are posted every 15 to 20 feet. Every five minutes or so, you will see uniformed officers and you cannot help but wonder how many out of uniform officers are on duty. The city itself never sleeps and those that sleep there, sleep with one eye open. I noticed a trend in the gift shops: 9 out of every 10 NYC posters reflect they old skyline. The one we recognize. The one in our hearts that will never be forgotten.

Technorati tags: September 11, 9/11, NYC, New York, Never Forget, Memorial

2 comments June 5th, 2006